Pooh in the Loud House: Sleuth or Consequences
by rayman20th
Summary: Written by Me, Hope the Victor and KirbyStarWickett.
It was another morning in the Loud House. Lincoln is in his room dressed up in a costume next to a poster of one of his favorite superheroes: Ace Savvy.

Lincoln: "I'm Ace Savvy, the world's savviest crime fighter. A man of few words, and fewer emotions. Except for today."

(Star enters the room)

Star: "Whatcha up to, Lincoln?" (scares Lincoln)

Lincoln: "Wah! Star, what are you doing in here?"

Star: "I was just wondering what you were doing."

Lincoln: "Oh, this? It's my Ace Savvy costume, Why?"

Star: "I wanted to know why you're dressed up like Ace Savvy. Whoever he is."

Lincoln: "Because today is the day of the big Ace Savvy comic book convention! YEAH!" (stoically again) "And now to call my trusty sidekick." (breaks out his walkie talkie) "One-Eyed Jack, this is Ace Savvy."

Clyde: (dressed in his costume) "This is One-Eyed Jack. Just putting the finishing touches on my costume. And when it's ready, I'll be keeping one eye out for crime." (pulls an eyepatch over his glasses and let's go, causing the impact to smack the lens of his glasses) "Ow!"

Lincoln: "Roger that. I'll meet you at 4:00 when it's time to..." (bursts out of room) "...deal out some justice!"(pulls out a deck of cards that spill all over the floor) "Dang it."

(his sisters and the gang notice his costume and laugh at him)

Lynn: "Get a load of this!"

Lori: "That is literally the funniest thing I have ever seen!"

Lola: "You aren't going out in public like that, are you?"

Lisa: "I might point out that you are well past the recommended age that this behavior is deemed acceptable."

(they laugh some more as eddy and the others enter)

Eddy: "Knock it off you guys! There isn't anything wrong with what he's wearing. Heck, Ed does the exact same things, and we don't criticize him for it."

Ed: "Eddy's right."

Lori: "We weren't talking about you, just our brother."

Double D: "At least we're not called 'dorks.'"

Marco Diaz: "Well, that's harsh."

Lincoln: "You're probably right. But you know what? It doesn't even bother me. With 10 opinionated sisters, you gotta have a thick skin." (to his sisters) "Your insults are like the wind beneath my cape; they only lift me higher! Now if you'll excuse me, I have some guyliner to apply."

(more laughter from his sisters; as he enters the bathroom, water from the toilet gushes out)

Ed: "It wasn't me!"

Double D: "I would never do such an unsanitary thing like that."

Eddy: "Me neither."

Lori: "Gross! Lincoln! You clogged the toilet again?"

(his sisters all glare at him)

Lola: "I'm telling Dad!" (goes to do so)

Lincoln: "What makes you think I did it?"

Luan: "Maybe because you made more clogs than a Dutch shoe factory!" (laughs during rimshot)

Marco: "Oh, please. Like he's made that many incidents."

Lynn: "Wanna bet? There was this one time when we had dinner, and Lincoln couldn't take it…"

(cut to a few flashbacks of Lincoln clogging the toilet; Flashback #1: Lincoln is scraping his gross dinner into the toilet)

Lincoln: "So long, liverwurst loaf!" (flushes the toilet only for it to back up)

Lola: (bursts in) "I'm telling Dad!"

(Flashback #1 ends)

Luan: "Then, there's the time with Mom's sweater…"

(Flashback #2: Lincoln is holding an embarrassing sweater Mom made him)

Lincoln: "Mom can't make me wear you if she can't find you." (flushes it down the toilet only for another clog to occur)

Lola: (bursts in) "I'm telling Dad!"

(Flashback #2 ends)

Luna: "And then, he flushed down Dad's CD's...all of them."

(Flashback #3: Lincoln is pouring a bunch of CD's into the toilet)

Dad: (off-screen) "Has anyone seen my CD's? I gotta practice for karaoke night!"

(as Dad practices his singing, Lincoln flushes them down the toilet only for the obvious to happen.)

Lola: (bursts in) "I'm telling Dad!"

(end flashbacks)

Lincoln: "All true. But this time, it wasn't me. I swear!"

(Lola brings Dad up and is holding a plunger)

Dad: "Well, there goes my Saturday."

Eddy: "You know, Lincoln? Your sister, Lola, reminds me of Ed's bratty sister, Sarah."

Lincoln: "I hate to be there when they become best friends."

Double D: "It's times like this I'm glad that I'm an only child."

Lana: (moves Lola aside and busts out an even heavier plunger known as Big Bertha) "Forget that pitiful plunger, Dad. This is a class 5 clog. You're gonna need Big Bertha!"

Dad: "Well, Mr. Flush-My-CD's-Down-The-Can, I assume this was your doing?"

Lincoln: "No, Dad! For real! It was not me!"

Eddy: "Don't look at us."

Star: "I only make magic, not clog toilets."

Dad: "Well, somebody did it! Toilets don't just clog themselves! Until one of you fesses up, everyone's grounded!"

(the sisters complain about this unjust decision)

Lincoln: "But, Dad, I can't be grounded! The convention's in a few hours and I gotta get my Ace Savvy comic signed!"

Dad: "Until I know who did the crime, you're all doing the time!"

(everyone complains even more)

Lana: (entering the bathroom with her dad and Big Bertha) "Big Bertha coming through!"

Eddy: "What?! Wait a minute! We didn't even do anything!"

Lincoln: "Well, we're not doing the time for this crime. We're gonna find out who the real clogger is...Ace Savvy style!" (pulls out his deck and drops it again) "Dang it."

(Lincoln is shuffling a deck of cards and places various cards he put drawings of his sisters on onto his desk)

Lincoln: "Thanks for coming over to help me, guys."

Pooh: "We'd love to help you, Lincoln."

Tigger: "Yeah, it's the best we can do, Lincoln boy."

Lincoln: "One of my sisters is the perp...but which one?"

Lucy: (comes out of nowhere) "Hey, guys." (scares the heroes) "I might have a tip for you."

Lincoln: "Really?" (suspicious) "Wait. Why do you wanna help?"

Lucy: "I don't care about being grounded. My life is just an endless mental prison, anyway. But it's not fair that you have to miss your thing."

Lincoln: "Thank you."

Marco Diaz: "What's that you got there?"

Lucy: "Lynn has been eating spicy meatball subs for ten days straight. You know what that does to your digestive system?"

Tigger: "Yuck! We'd rather not know."

Double D: "That's disturbing."

Lincoln: "That's disgusting, but also a lead! I like your instincts, kid. You wanna team up?"

Lucy: "Sure. I've got nothing else to do. Besides bear the weight of the world on my shoulders."

Lincoln: [awkward beat] "Riiiiiiiight..."

Marco: "Has she always been this weird?"

(in the kitchen, Lynn is indeed eating a meatball sub; suddenly, Lucy shines a flashlight in her face)

Lynn: "Hey! What's with the light?"

Lincoln: "Why don't you admit it, Lynn? You jammed the john!"

Lynn: "I think those tights are cutting off oxygen to your brain."

Lincoln: "Oh yeah? Then explain this!" [dumps discarded sub wrappers on the table] "Nobody can eat this many subs and not wreak havoc on the plumbing!"

Lynn: "Nice try, genius, but my favorite roller derby is playing tonight and I never bomb the bowl before the big game. It's bad luck! If I go number 2, we won't be number 1!"

Lucy: "Gross."

Eddy: "And this is why I don't want to hear about it."

Lynn: "If you wanna know who plugged the porcelain, why don't you ask Lisa? She keeps a log of all our bathroom habits. Pun intended."

Star: "Isn't that what Luan does all the time?"

Lincoln: "Of course! Lisa's weird poop study! Let's go see this joker!" (holds up the wrong card)

Lucy: "That's a 2 of Diamonds."

Lincoln: "UGH!"

Ed and Eddy: (laughing)

(Lisa and Lily's room)

Lincoln: "I need the file from last night from 1 to 4 AM."

Lisa:(looks for the requested file) "1 to 4 AM...Hmm. It seems to be missing."

Lucy: "Missing? How convenient! Clearly, you did it! Case closed!"

Piglet: "That's not how it works, Lucy."

Double D: "Most detective work is more complex than that. You can't accuse suspects just because of one lead."

Lisa: "Oh, please! I haven't used the family lavatory in years! It takes too much time away from my studies. I prefer to use Lily's training potty."

Lincoln: "Well, it looks like your story's clean...but your training potties not."

Marco: "Amen to that."

Eddy: "I bet it was Lily. You said She always dumps her dirty diapers in the toilet."

Lincoln: "Aha!" (slides right into and knocks over Lily's diaper genie and reveals a plethora of pooped padding) "Nope! I'd say they're all here! That clears these two."

Lucy: "What about Lori?"

Lincoln: "Of course! She was so quick to point the finger at me, and you know what they say, "She who dodged it, lodged it!"

(Lincoln and Eddy go to interrogate Lori; just then, a stretch and snap sound effect is heard; Lincoln returns revealing that Lori gave him an atomic wedgie to prove her innocence and as for Eddy, Lori punched him out of her room;)

Lincoln: "Lori did not do it!"

Eddy: "Yeah, and I have a black eye to prove it. And, ow…"

(The bathroom; Lana, Dad and Big Bertha are searching for the bowl's barricade)

Dad: "Oh! Big Bertha's got something!"

Lana: "I wanna see! Is it something really grody?" [Dad hands her the object] "Paper? It's gotta be something bigger than that!" [tosses paper out the window] "Move over, rookie! Some jobs require you to get your hands dirty!" [takes over]

(the paper falls daintily as Clyde makes his way to the Loud House)

Clyde: (singing) "One-Eyed Jack. One-Eyed Jack. Villains better watch their back." (gets his glasses struck by the paper Lana discarded) "GAH! MY CRIME EYE!" (crashes into the van and gets catapulted into the tree in the front yard)

Lincoln: "Better put a pot of cocoa on. We've only got 2 more hours until the convention and 5 more suspects to go."

(Their next suspect is Luan)

Luan: "It wasn't me! I was asleep the whole time and I can prove it! I film myself sleeping in case I say something funny I can use in my act."

(Video footage shows such an event)

Luan: (sleep-joking) "What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!" (laughs during rimshot)

Rabbit: "It can't be her."

(They cross off Luan and move onto Leni)

Leni: "Ooh! You wanna do an interview? Okay! My favorite color is zebra and the secret to a great smile is..."

Eddy: "Definitely not her."

Double D: "Indeed, she's too dim-witted to clog the toilet."

(They cross off Leni who proves to be too dumb to pull off such an act and move onto Lana)

Lana: "Wish I could take the credit. I've been trying to dam up the dumper for years."

Eeyore: "She couldn't have done it."

(They cross off Lana and move onto Lola)

Lola: "I would never get up in the middle of the night. It disrupts my beauty sleep."

Double D: "At least she had a good reason."

(They cross off Lola and move onto their final suspect, Luna)

Luna: "I was at a rock concert, dudes."

Eddy: "Prove it."

(Luna turns on the TV to a news report of last night's concert where she is shown chasing one of the band members on stage)

TV Luna: "MICK! WAIT! I JUST WANT A LOCK OF YOUR HAIR!"

(Lincoln and Lucy are just speechless at Luna's alibi)

Lucy: "Okay, that proves it."

Marco: "Man, she goes more GaGa over rockstars than

Lincoln: "GAH! We're running out of time and we've got nothing!"

Lana: "WE'VE GOT SOMETHING!" (finds the source of the clog) "Here's the culprit!" (hands it to Lincoln)

Lincoln: "Aha! A break in the case!" (sees that it's a book) "Princess Pony: The Touching True Story Of A Delightful Pony Who Changes The World With Her Horse Sense."

Lucy: "There's only one person who would read this: Lola!"

Eddy: "Of course! That lying scoundrel!"

Lana: "You guys do remember that was just down the toilet, right?"

(Lincoln and Lucy revile in disgust and go back to Lola; Lincoln kicks the door open only for it to close on his face; he then enters normally)

Lincoln: "We know you did it, Lola! We found your book in the toilet!" (shows evidence)

Lola: "Barf! That is not mine! I may be girly and pink, but I do have standards!"

Lincoln: (convinced) "I think she's telling the truth."

Lucy: (doubtful) "I don't! She's sweating more than a vampire in the sun! Let me take a run at her!" (kicks down Lola's tea party table) "We know you did it! ADMIT IT! CONFESS! If you don't tell the truth...YOUR HEART WILL NEVER BE SET FREE!"

Marco: (holding back an enraged Lucy) "Whoa! Easy there, spooky!"

Lola: (unfazed from Lucy's outburst) "You're cleaning that up."

(The doorbell rings and Lincoln answers the door)

Lincoln: "One-Eyed Jack?"

Clyde: "Sorry I'm late, Ace. I would have been here sooner, but I was thwarted by this dastardly piece of paper that flew from your bathroom window."

Eddy: "What's this? Litter?"

Lincoln: (looks at paper and sees something familiar) "This looks like a page from Princess Pony. "If you don't tell the truth, your heart will never be set free." Where have I heard that before?" (suddenly realizes those are the exact same words that Lucy told Lola and finds out who the culprit truly is) "LUCY! You solved the case, One-Eyed Jack! Thanks to you, the city can flush without fear!"

(Clyde does some victory poses and Lincoln closes the door on him to confront Lucy)

Clyde: "Ace? Lincoln?"

(Lucy and Lynn's room)

Lincoln: (kicks the door open) "IT WAS YOU!"

Dad: (off-screen) "LINCOLN! STOP KICKING DOWN THE DOORS!"

Lincoln: "You're the Princess Pony lover!"

Lucy: "That's absurd!"

Lincoln: "Then you won't mind if I search the premises." (searches but fails to find any evidence)

Lucy: "You done?"

Lincoln: "I'll be done when I'm-" (notices something on the floor) "That's an odd shadow." (looks up to the ceiling lamp and finds a clue) "Aha! Lisa's missing bathroom file!"

Lucy: "Lynn must have put that there! You've got nothing on me!" (just then, her gloomy macabre poster peels off and reveals a Princess Pony poster from behind) "Dang it..."

Lincoln: "You've been lying to me this whole time! Why?"

Lucy: (readjusts macabre poster) "I couldn't let our sisters know I read Princess Pony. You know how they are. They'd make fun of me for the rest of my life."

Marco: "Then why do you read it?"

Lucy: "Even I need a break from the darkness every now and then."

Lincoln: "So, how'd it end up in the toilet?"

Lucy: "The bathroom is the only place I can safely read it." (flashes back to last night) "I was reading it last night. And when I heard someone coming, I panicked."

(Through her panicking, Lucy tossed the book into the toilet and hid in the bathtub when a groggy Lincoln came by to use the toilet and flushed it; as soon as he left, it gave Lucy the chance to escape and save her secret; end flashback)

Lincoln: "Sorry, Lucy, but you have to tell everybody. They still think I did it!"

Lucy: "But they'll tease me even worse than they tease you! You can probably handle that, but I can't!"

Lincoln: "Either you tell them, or I will!"

Lucy: (admitting defeat) "Sigh...I'll tell them…"

(Downstairs, Lori and Leni are texting each other, Lola's fixing her hair, Lana's arranging her tools, Lynn's doing push-ups, Lisa's reading, and Luan and Luna are fighting over the TV remote)

Luan: "Give it back!"

Luna: "Give it to me!"

(Enter Lucy, ready to confess)

Lucy: "Excuse me...I have something to say..." (gets their attention and reveals the book) "This is what totaled the toilet."

Lisa: "Princess Pony?!"

(the sisters laugh)

Lynn: "Which one of you lame-o's does that belong to?"

Lisa: "Certainly not me! It's so sickeningly sweet I get a toothache just looking at it!"

Leni: (terrified at Lisa's exaggeration) "Can that really happen?"

Luan: "Whoever that belongs to is gonna be the laughing stock of this house!"

Eddy: "Wait, what?"

Lori: "Yeah! They are literally worse than Lincoln! And he wears his underwear on the outside!"

(The other sisters laugh some more and Lucy knows she has to face the music)

Lucy: "Actually...the book belongs to-"

Lincoln: "Me!"

Luan, Leni, Lynn, Lana, Lola, Lisa, Lori, and Luna: (flabbergasted) "YOU?!"

Lincoln: "I didn't want to tell you because I knew you'd make fun of me."

Lori: (sounding sympathetic) "Aw, Lincoln..." (now condescending) "...of course, we're gonna make fun of you! But only for the rest of your life!"

Lincoln: (undeterred) "I'm looking forward to it. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll go tell-"

Lola: (doing it for him) "DAD! IT WAS LINCOLN WHO CLOGGED THE TOILET!"

Star: "Wow, she's fast."

Dad: "LINCOLN, YOU'RE GROUNDED! GIRLS AND GUESTS, YOU'RE NO LONGER GROUNDED!"

(the other sisters cheer and celebrate their freedom)

Lucy: "Why did you do that?"

Lincoln: "Because you were right. I can handle the teasing. I'm quite comfortable with who I am. Obviously. But don't worry. Someday, you'll be, too. Until then, your big brother's got your back."

Lucy: (smiling and grateful) "Thanks, Lincoln."

Lincoln: "As Ace Savvy would say...it's no big deal!" (screws up the card trick again) "Dang it."

(Later that night in Lincoln's room)

Lincoln: (perfects the card trick) "I did it!"

Double D: "Well, at least you saved Lucy from being the laughing stock of the family."

Lincoln: "I was too careless worrying about my own priorities that I never considered my sister's own."

(Lucy enters with something in her hands)

Lucy: "Hey, Lincoln." (scares Lincoln again) "Sorry you missed your convention. Here. I made you something. (hands it over to him to reveal it's a horror comic book she made) It's no signed Ace Savvy comic, but I hope you like it."

Lincoln: (gratefully disturbed) "Thank you, Lucy. I see your break from the darkness is over."

Eddy: "How does she keep doing that?"

(Outside Lincoln's room)

Lynn: (ecstatic) "WOO-HOO! MY TEAM DID IT! WE'RE NUMBER 1!" (feels intestinal distress) "Ooh...time for Number 2…" (hurries to the bathroom)

Lana: "DAD, I THINK WE'RE GONNA NEED BIG BERTHA AGAIN!"

THE END


End file.
